Il Ministero : A comedy on Italian Politics

Il Ministero : A comedy on Italian Politics

a short treatment by J.E.D'Ulisse

Cast

hon. Maximus Brighella, Minister of Unequal Opportunity (Ministero

Pantalone Di Bisogno, Permanent Under Secretary (Pant)

Brad Pedrolino, Attache to the Minister (Pedro)

Journalist 

The scene is in a cafe, with the three men sitting at a table outside. They are clearly the types of people who have slowly migrated their office to the bar. Pedro has pen and paper. 

Minister

yes president, i agree sir, I fully concur, it is beyond a doubt, everyone is saying so in the senate, she definitely has the biggest tits I have ever scene. I agree it is no exaggeration. I always look at all of the tits in the camera, and those are two of the biggest. Yes sir..yes.. I need to make an announcement to the press in a few moments, I agree, the situation must be addressed, yes sir yes my mother's fine, yes she has big tits too, no she's quite honoured you have noticed, she is a real supporter of the party if you know what I mean, yes sir, well I don't actually mean that she is a whore, no I am not insulated at all. 

Pant

He's sniveling again, I love it when he snivels, there is something about it that is erotic, seeing how low he can get down to lick.

Pedro

There is something about him, when he gets like this, it makes you want to follow, it gives you the courage to know that groveling still works. The certainty that there is no bottom. 

Minister

Mr President thank you for your time, and good luck with those hemorrhoids... (hangs up the phone)

Minister

I am so fucked. He bent me over the table and fucked me up the ass. Not even a kiss, not even a knowing glance, not even a bit of lube or even a finger. He just slammed it on in. 

Pant

The reporters will be here in four minutes. How are we opening the statement. 

Minister

The president wants something strong. Dear Italian people I am willing to felate every single one of your for your vote. Balls and everything. 

Pedro-

How do you spell fellate

Minister

That is not for the fucking press release you idiot, I can't stand up in front of a television camera and say Italia I want to suck your cocks, I think there are election laws against that,... or I am sure we would have done it by now. 

Pant.

I have come to serve two the wishes of the italian citizens and look to fulfil their needs. 

Pedro- 

how do you spell fulfill?

minister

how the fuck did this become my problem, how the fuck is this in my remit. I am the goddamn minister of unequal opportunity, that means something in this country. 

Pedro-

Are you going to call back the President, 

Minister

fuck no. 

Pant.

The time to act is now, the time for hesitation was yesterday and tomorrow will see our government succeed. 

Minister

He can be really unpleasant you know that. 

Pant. 

Our government is not afraid to make the unpopular choices

Minister 

He hit me for looking at his secretary

Pant.

Not the fat one?

Minister 

No the one with the cunt like a vice, you know the cunt that just tears your dick off and spits it out across the room. 

Pant 

I haven't had the pleasure of her acquaintance. 

Pedro

How do you spell acquaintance?

Pant.

There are over 10 million left handed children in this nation, this government wants to stand up for them, another 2 million with hair lips, another 3 million with club feet.

Minister

Yea what a bunch of losers. 

Pant. 

This government is in full support of those and other italian people 

Minister

I had this slut full of my support last night. I had my cock so far up her ass...last night..., I was scratching the roof of her mouth. 

Pant.

How was it?

Minister 

Expensive. 

Pant.

Straddling the divide of our social chasms our government believes in a redissolution of wealth. Supporting entrepreneurialism against an ever more present communist threat

Pedro

Communist...come on...

Pant.

There are communists everywhere

Minister 

I know my dick was up one last night. 

Pedro

Communist? How could you tell? Did she have an orgasm?

Ministers

That is a myth, the female orgasm is a filthy satanic myth, it doesn't exist period. 

Pedro

So how could you tell?

Minister

She kept humming bella ciao through the whole act.

Pant.

It has the right rhythm. It could have been far worse, Internationale perhaps, or the German National Anthem...imagine...oh yess imagine....

Minister 

It through me off my rhythm, every time I started getting into it, would see partisans running through the woods, or rock climbing. In black  and white. 

Pant.

With a keen eye we look to those who have risen for italia in the past and lumber bravely, undead forward! 

Pedro

how do you spell keen?

Minister 

the worst thing about it is that it is a catchy song. You start to relax and get into it. 

Pedro 

Get into what. 

Minister

Some girl's ass that's what you idiot, and just as you find your tempo you realize you are whistling the song too. And that was just really strange. 

(starts whistling bella ciao to himself). 

Pant.

It is with women that our coalition through support directly where they live. 

Minister

I smell shit,...shit, alcohol, sweat, arrogance and desperation. The journalists  are here. 

Pedro

desperation, is one s?

Pant.

Let me see it, we are there. Read this minister.

Minister (looking at the printed press release)

One day I am going to bring a gun with me out there and kill them, all of them. Two shots to the head, each one. 

Pant.

And when that day comes you will not have to deliver the press release. But until that day you should comb your hair, straighten your tie and if you can't love Jesus; hate communists. 

Minister

Hate every hair on the back of her neck. 

(Minister walks out whistling Bella Ciao.)

Shot: TG74 news channel shot

Minister

I have come to serve the wishes of the italian citizens and look to fulfil their needs. How did this become my problem? How is this in my remit? I am the goddamn minister of unequal opportunity, that means something in this country.  The time to act is now, the time for hesitation was yesterday and tomorrow will see our government succeed no matter if we haven't had the pleasure of her acquaintance. Our government is not afraid to make the unpopular choices. The grip of L'Italia like a vice, it tears at our souls and spits it out across the room. 

Citizens! There are over 10 million left handed children in this nation, this government wants to stand up for them, another 2 million with hair lips, another 3 million with club feet.This government is in full support of those and other italian people Straddling the divide of our social chasms or government believes in a redisillusion  of wealth. Supporting entrepreneurialism against an ever more present communist threat

With a keen eye we look to those who have risen for italia in the past and lumber bravely, undead forward! It is with women that our coalition through support directly where they live. We must not descend into arrogance and desperation. 

Questions!

(off Camera Journalist)

What does that mean?

Minister

I don't know...